How to get to 50th anniversary

By the Grace of God, I pray to make it to 50th anniversary. Never before have I thought of a particular anniversary I would want to make it to (i.e. my goal) till now. To reach the golden anniversary together.

What does it take? I want to learn. I use 'him' because I am applying it to 'him' and I am writing it as what I want to do

Statistics:
adjustment period of six to 12 months
half of all divorces take place by the 7th year of marriage

Marriage metaphors

• two great rivers which at some point come together. Where they meet, there will be turbulence and whitewater for some time. But later on downstream the rivers truly become one, and it flows smoothly on its course
• signpost pointing to His own eternal, spiritual existence

Who else benefits?

• loving my husband well and modeling a healthy marriage is the best gift I can give my children

pre- marriage
Problem :Money as the No. 1 point of conflict in the majority of marriages, good or bad
Solution: discuss our individual money styles and devise a plan we both can live with

How did you know he was the one?

• It was a gradual process
• I saw his potential. I saw that he was loving, caring, and very interested in me
• From the beginning, we knew that we were going to get married and it was going to be forever. We were never thinking, Let's try it and see how it works. 
• He's a deep thinker. He's slow to anger. He wanted to be part of my life.

His Need

• husband's #1 need in marriage is, what he wants most from you: sex! Yes, frequent, enthusiastic unprintably good sex!Men would be ecstatic if women showed up naked and brought food.
• to feel respected by his wife 
• to be his cheerleader

My needs

• The heart of romance is: talking to her! Yes, just taking the time to talk with her and so to connect on an emotional level.
• making her feel loved and appreciated, that she's your number one priority.

Choice

• Never date a man you couldn't marry.
• Don't just find a good mate, be a good mate- good values, particularly kindness

solid underlying friendship

• Having a sense of humor. 
• What's important to you is important to me
• keep dating
• hold quarterly reviews
• grow together - not grow apart
• Find things you enjoy doing together
• Get away on your own at least once a year
•  Sharing stories in a marriage brings you closer and allows you to get to know a part of your spouse you haven't met before.

Goal setting

• Without spelling out shared goals, we are in danger of slipping into “parallel lives.” In order to stay on track, a couple should periodically check how they are succeeding at their shared goals, and whether those goals require modification.

Commitment
Resolve that there will be no divorce.
Never be ashamed to seek counseling

"Sharing"

• Praise in public, criticize in private
• Keep everybody else out of your business. That's huge. If you need counseling, get an impartial person—not someone on his side of the family or one of your girlfriends;Don’t run to your mom if your spouse does something you don’t like.
• Pray for your spouse instead of gossiping about them:Lord, how can I love my spouse today like (s)he's never been loved and never will be loved?

Priorities

• Delay having children: Spend the first year of marriage getting to know each other, working through your issues, having fun together, and enjoying that intimate love relationship between just the two of you
• Remember to be a wife first and a mom second and not to forget to make my husband a priority: Your spouse was there before the kids and will be there after the kids move out.

Communication

• learn to bite my tongue:Don’t say everything that’s on your mind
• learn his love language and speak it often whether it's physical affection, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service (like helping out in the house, running errands) or spending quality time
• Allow him to speak without interruption and then repeat what has just been said
• learn not to take everything as criticism; it's information.
• Say "Thank you"
• focusing on the positive :appreciating effort, even if the outcome is unfortunate; 
• John Gottman’s 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interchanges. For every one negative remark you make, try to think of five positive things to say, to counteract the negative effects of a critical word
• Practice the 10-minute rule. That involves, “Every single day talking to your partner for at least 10 minutes about something other than four topics: work, family, who’s going to do what around the house or your relationship.

sex

• Quality, quantity and diversity
• pretty lingerie is a good investment
• He is  visual and NEEDS to see me naked 
• talking about sex is key to sexual satisfaction itself

Intellect
read some good books, and let those be a conversation springboard

 Fighting

• Deflecting a fight whenever possible is a good idea.
• admit you are wrong

Time out

• an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

• it's good to get it out in the open rather than let it simmer
• even in the heat of an argument, that the purpose of the argument is to resolve the problem, not to hurt the other person with clever zingers.
• Ask for his  view of a problem. Say, "Why do you think we aren't getting along?" 
• learn to argue in a way that produces a solution, not just more anger. 
• practice "active listening," try to hear what he is saying, repeating back what they just heard and asking if I have understood correctly. 
• make a point to avoid marriage "bad words" such as: hate, leave, worthless, and divorce
• Strive to solve problems where both of you are happy with the solution
   

Bedtime

• If it’s not solved at 2:30 a.m., it’s not going to be solved at 3:00 a.m. either. Go to sleep
• Staying up extra hours to resolve conflict when you are both exhausted often leads to further escalation
• Important to pick your timing. It may seem like an opportune moment to bring up a contentious subject as your partner is sinking into his or her pillow after a long day at the office, but in all likelihood, the response will not be a desired one. Cranky people are seldom rational, and sleepy people are seldom forgiving.
• in reality, most spouses don't solve problems well when they're mad. In fact, "the idea that it's helpful for couples to air their grievances in the heat of the moment is probably one of the most dangerous marriage myths out there," says John Gottman, Ph.D., professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 
• Rule: Conflicts are best dealt with when you have calmed down and are well rested.
• kiss good night for six seconds, 

Finances

• Learn to talk about money-Money is the number one thing couples fight about, no matter how much or how little you have.

Forgive

• letting it go, not saying you forgive and then bringing up the transgression every time the gloves come out.

Affection 

• expressing affection even on bad days;
• Show love-Have a lot of great sex;
• Made him feel good about the kind of person he is
• Make him feel good about having his own ideas and ways of doing things; 
• Make his life interesting or exciting.
• Do something to demonstrate that he is noticed and appreciated every single day

Other friends

• fellowship together with other people
• decided never to be alone with another man, regardless of how harmless it seemed

to be continued