SOURCE
nb: emphasis by me
One
of the first steps towards examining problems is called “mirroring.”
Most arguments come about because one party has a strong need to
complain about something. In expressing it, that person is often met
with defensiveness and denial by their partner, resulting in
back-and-forth volleys which quickly escalate.
Mirroring,
instead, teaches you to listen to a complaint, and repeat it back,
making sure you’ve fully understood it. A typical example would be: “I
hear you say that you’re angry I didn’t take out the trash, even though
you asked me and I agreed to do it. Did I get you?” When your partner
says yes, you ask: “Is there more about that?” And it’s compelling to
find out quite how much more there nearly always is. While it’s hard at
first to ask for further complaint – why invite another shower of
arrows? - it’s strange how calming this question can be to your partner.We learned that opening up diffuses the heat.
SOURCE
STEP 2: VALIDATING
It's not enough just to listen, you must learn to pay close attention in
order to understand your partner's truth. "It's not enough just to be
heard," says Dr. Harville Hendrix, "It's 'Do you see that I'm not crazy..use sentences like this: "You make sense because...
STEP 3: EMPATHIZING
"I can imagine that you might be feeling..." or "I can see you are feeling...."Since it's impossible to know exactly what a person feels, your partner
should check for accuracy. He should ask "Is that what you're feeling?"
If he didn't understand the feeling, you should readdress the message.
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